I have just about finished my kidwatching assignment a week ahead of schedule. Then why do I feel so lousy and overwhemed? Scott is headed down to Louisville to visit his dad. This is day two of Larry's treatment for melanoma. Maybe that's part of it, I'm just worried about all of them. Also my dad had a MRI done for the cyst on his leg. They won't know details until next wed. Maybe that's part of it too. I have to keep trusting God that everything will be okay and that there's really nothing I can do for anyone else at this point except pray.
I need to keep seeing the good. I have to keep reminding myself to keep looking for the good. Sara' s thyroid removal went well. She's recovering and will do a radiation treatment soon just to make sure they got all of the cancer. So, there's good there.
Larry is getting the treatments for melanoma, and with God's will, they will be the treatments he needs, so that's good.
Matt and Jackie and I are finished with 2 smaller assignments so that's good. I just know that the next 2 science assignments and the benchmark for math are huge. Like everything else, I'm sure I will be fine once I start in on them. It's the getting started that is always the hardest. I just feel so overwhelmed at times when starting these big projects.
Okay, I feel a little better now. I'm going to finish my kidwatching and then decide where to proceed next. It's good because God says all things are good. I just can't always see it.
My prayer for today:God please be with Larry and his family as he gets treatments, be with Sara and her family as she recovers, be with all of the other people in my life who are dealing with cancer. Be with Dad and Mom as they await results from his tests. And God, please help me to see you in all that I am going through with life and school. You never promised it would be any easier, but you did promise that you will always be there with me through the good and the bad in life. Help me see you and the good in every situation. Help me to find your strength within me to get through these rocky times.In Jesus' name, amen.

good day

Okay, I'm working on seeing every day as a good day. This is the first of many good days to come. When I'm overwhelmed, I'm going to thank God. When I'm happy, I'm going to thank God. Through all of this, I am going to trust and thank God for this is where I need to be, what I need to feel, how I need to grow. I can't be expected to do everything perfectly. No one else expects it, why should I expect it of myself. Reminds me of the Vampire Song from Title of the Show. If someone else told me all the negative things I say to myself, I would tell them to go f-themselves, but when it comes from my head, then it's "the voice of reason". Self doubt vampire die! God is stronger than me, and any negative thoughts I'm having are not coming from him, so I need to make them go away. I gave up negativity for lent, but I need to refocus on getting more positive not just dwelling on getting less negative. So, today will be a good day no matter what happens. I have something to learn and to give if I just see it from God's point of view.
Good day.

breathing, swimming

Okay, so that was uncalled for! I feel much better today. As I've been told twice in the past 20 minutes by two different sources, I just need to breathe and keep swimming.
Even if all I can do is tread water or doggie paddle, at least I won't drown.
I just need to keep having faith and trust that I am exactly where I need to be and am getting exactly what I need to be getting. Ugh, growing up is hard work!
Well, I took a 3 mile walk tonight and worked crazy hard at work, so I"m going to bed early. I'll just have to get up early and do some work for tomorrow. I'll get this all finished. I just need to work on in one project at a time. By Sunday, I"ll have 2 more papers out of the way and be finished with art. Only 9 more to go after that. One...day.... at..... a ...... time. (not like the sitcom)
Like this:Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Okay, if I can do that, I think I'll be set.
I think I'm going to try to write someting here everyday from now on. We'll see how it goes.
nighty night

f

I fucking hate the CDP assignments. Just read them and can barely figure out what they mean/require.
I fucking hate the kidwatching assignment. How about we actually do in classes the things that support the homework and projects?
I'm really fucking pissed off at Ms. Bell. I'm fuckign pissed off that John had to drop out. I'm so fucking upset for about Scott's dad and everyone else around me that has cancer. I just want to fucking hit something. fuck fuck fuck. I have no idea where to go on the cdp. Kid watching I'm trying to remember is only one assisnment for 1 credit hour. fuck, fuck fuck.
i can't say fuck enough.
ignore me. I'm just fucking overwhelmed. fuck when do i have time to get this all fucking done?
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK. thank you for listening.
fuck