stressed

Can I handle this? Why is all of this going on? What more can be heaped on me? Is this just to build me up to be even stronger? I'm ready to scream or throw up. I need strength for this I'm not sure that I have. I need to focus. Can I do this/be a teacher? How does S. fit into all of this? Does he fit into all of this? okay, gotta get back to class.

Ah summer "vacation"

First day of summer classes yesterday. Not too bad. I think I'll make it. On one hand I have the typical Phil, I'm going to do the best job I can and stress out over everything. On the other, fuck it. I'm trying to lean toward the other hand. I have A's in all my classes and have barely learned a thing. I need to just keep a B+ average, so I have some wiggle room. Gonna try to just do the work without getting so worked up over all of it. So that's that.
Relationship alert. WTF is going on? I know there's lots of mid-life crisis type issues going on. Maybe I just need to ride the waves a little more instead of being an anchor. But then who would I be? It's a rough right now and I need to just trust that this is all in God's plan whether I can see what's going on or not. Maybe this is a way for me to break ties with Indy so I can go elsewhere to teach which is part of the bigger plan? I can't even begin to imagine. I just know that it hurts right now, and I want it to be better for both of us.
His dad is home and doing better, so I am thankful for that. Sarah is doing better, so I'm thankful for that.
I just wish I knew what grade and where I was student teaching next fall. That would help a bit with my stress! Also, knowing what "is missing" in our relationship would helpmore than a bit too.

God, help me to see what you need to me to see, so I can fulfil the plans you have in store for me. Give me the strength to deal with whatever comes my way, knowing you're there through all of it with me.

Break!

So, I get a week long break from school. Yippee! I was so productive yesterday that I can't believe it. Cleaned out the truck. Picked up, vacuumed and dusted my room. omg. that was a feat in itself. Once a year for dusting seems about right to me! Well, nothing too exciting. Just enjoying my time off for a few more days.

rough

So today was a little rough. Don't feel like I learned much of anything. Kids were not so great because it was the day after spring break. Watched a movie and didn't do homework. Tomorrow will be more productive. Has to be. I'm thankful Larry is doing better. Thankful that Mom gets to spend time at Kitty's. Thankful that I have saved enough money to get me through for a while. Thankful that overall, I am pretty healthy. Well, headed to bed.

why?

Why do I always get so mopey when the weather is like this? What is so hardwired into our bodies that makes us react in this way? It's too too strange for me to get. Well, I had a pretty uneventful day (homework wise) due to this nasty thunderstormy weather. Apparantly, we're supposed to be getting some snow tomorrow! Agh. I love spring and want it to be springy! I love all the purty flowers and everything becoming green again. Well, off to bed. At least I'll get a full night's rest to go with my 3+ hour nap today.

I have just about finished my kidwatching assignment a week ahead of schedule. Then why do I feel so lousy and overwhemed? Scott is headed down to Louisville to visit his dad. This is day two of Larry's treatment for melanoma. Maybe that's part of it, I'm just worried about all of them. Also my dad had a MRI done for the cyst on his leg. They won't know details until next wed. Maybe that's part of it too. I have to keep trusting God that everything will be okay and that there's really nothing I can do for anyone else at this point except pray.
I need to keep seeing the good. I have to keep reminding myself to keep looking for the good. Sara' s thyroid removal went well. She's recovering and will do a radiation treatment soon just to make sure they got all of the cancer. So, there's good there.
Larry is getting the treatments for melanoma, and with God's will, they will be the treatments he needs, so that's good.
Matt and Jackie and I are finished with 2 smaller assignments so that's good. I just know that the next 2 science assignments and the benchmark for math are huge. Like everything else, I'm sure I will be fine once I start in on them. It's the getting started that is always the hardest. I just feel so overwhelmed at times when starting these big projects.
Okay, I feel a little better now. I'm going to finish my kidwatching and then decide where to proceed next. It's good because God says all things are good. I just can't always see it.
My prayer for today:God please be with Larry and his family as he gets treatments, be with Sara and her family as she recovers, be with all of the other people in my life who are dealing with cancer. Be with Dad and Mom as they await results from his tests. And God, please help me to see you in all that I am going through with life and school. You never promised it would be any easier, but you did promise that you will always be there with me through the good and the bad in life. Help me see you and the good in every situation. Help me to find your strength within me to get through these rocky times.In Jesus' name, amen.

good day

Okay, I'm working on seeing every day as a good day. This is the first of many good days to come. When I'm overwhelmed, I'm going to thank God. When I'm happy, I'm going to thank God. Through all of this, I am going to trust and thank God for this is where I need to be, what I need to feel, how I need to grow. I can't be expected to do everything perfectly. No one else expects it, why should I expect it of myself. Reminds me of the Vampire Song from Title of the Show. If someone else told me all the negative things I say to myself, I would tell them to go f-themselves, but when it comes from my head, then it's "the voice of reason". Self doubt vampire die! God is stronger than me, and any negative thoughts I'm having are not coming from him, so I need to make them go away. I gave up negativity for lent, but I need to refocus on getting more positive not just dwelling on getting less negative. So, today will be a good day no matter what happens. I have something to learn and to give if I just see it from God's point of view.
Good day.

breathing, swimming

Okay, so that was uncalled for! I feel much better today. As I've been told twice in the past 20 minutes by two different sources, I just need to breathe and keep swimming.
Even if all I can do is tread water or doggie paddle, at least I won't drown.
I just need to keep having faith and trust that I am exactly where I need to be and am getting exactly what I need to be getting. Ugh, growing up is hard work!
Well, I took a 3 mile walk tonight and worked crazy hard at work, so I"m going to bed early. I'll just have to get up early and do some work for tomorrow. I'll get this all finished. I just need to work on in one project at a time. By Sunday, I"ll have 2 more papers out of the way and be finished with art. Only 9 more to go after that. One...day.... at..... a ...... time. (not like the sitcom)
Like this:Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Okay, if I can do that, I think I'll be set.
I think I'm going to try to write someting here everyday from now on. We'll see how it goes.
nighty night

f

I fucking hate the CDP assignments. Just read them and can barely figure out what they mean/require.
I fucking hate the kidwatching assignment. How about we actually do in classes the things that support the homework and projects?
I'm really fucking pissed off at Ms. Bell. I'm fuckign pissed off that John had to drop out. I'm so fucking upset for about Scott's dad and everyone else around me that has cancer. I just want to fucking hit something. fuck fuck fuck. I have no idea where to go on the cdp. Kid watching I'm trying to remember is only one assisnment for 1 credit hour. fuck, fuck fuck.
i can't say fuck enough.
ignore me. I'm just fucking overwhelmed. fuck when do i have time to get this all fucking done?
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK. thank you for listening.
fuck

Bachin' it ramblings...

So, I'm sad, Scott is on a fabulous caribbean cruise, and I'm stuck here doing homework. I'm so thankful that he got to take a vacation, even if it is without me. I'm not bitter. No really, I'm not. I know this is what I need to be doing and where God wants me to be. A little sunshine would be nice though. Although there was a beautiful snowfall today as I was heading to church. I have beef stew in the crockpot that is smelling awesome, even though it's a getting to be a little too late to eat. Never made it before, but it's turned out pretty well.
I only see Scott on the weekends usually, and he's only gone for an entire week. He left Saturday, and gets back next Sunday afternoon. Then why does my heart hurt so much? After 6 years you would think that not seeing him for a week would be no big deal, but somehow it is! I love him more now than ever. He's stood by me through all my drama of work, family, and now school. We may have had our rough patches and broken up a few times, but we're together and strong now. Are there a couple of issues, uh yeah, but I'm willing to work through and around them if need be. I've had nothing but support from him all through this saga of my going back to school. He's so happy that I've finally chosen a career and am getting out of my HPB rut. As Antonio says it's the golden handcuffs. They make it hard not to leave. The benefits are just too awesome. I'm scaref of when I have to quit in august and begin student teaching. It will be the first time that I have been unemployed since highschool. Even in college I worked at least part time. I have plenty of savings from my car, student loans, and frugal (ish) living, so I should be okay. I always have my wonderfully supportive parents if things get too dire. I appreciate them more than I can ever tell them. I am so thankful for the support of my family and friends. Without them, I wouldn't be able to get through this crazy life of work and school. I thank God for each and every one of them. Well, I'm feeling better and not so sorry for myself. Yes I miss Scott and will continue to miss him, but I know that he's coming back to me soon and that's all the souvinir that I need. Although some cool shells might be nice!